*I've since learned that Post Placement Depression is a real disorder that can happen in foster and adoptive parents. If you didn't give birth to your child there's a high likelihood that no one is checking in on your mental health. Please take some time to educate yourself on the symptoms of depression and seek help you if need it! Here's an essay about it from another blogger.
2. Write everything down. I've found that it's up to the foster parents to keep meticulous records of each visit, appointment, planning meeting, and court hearing. Over the course of your child's time in foster care there's a high probability that they will have multiple case managers, supervisors, or guardians. You may be the only person who is in their case from beginning to end. I've had this conversation with several other foster parents, and we all agree that a paper trail and record keeping is the easiest way to keep the whole team on the same page. We have a binder where we file every piece of paper with our child's name on it after emailing a copy to our case manager.
3. Make your accounts private. We learned this the hard way very early on. Within three days of our first placement I received a phone call from our case manager letting us know that her biological mother had located our full names and phone numbers by a mistake made by the hospital system. We quickly had this issue resolved, but of course she had already googled me and stalked our social media accounts. Thankfully nothing ever came of it, and her parents respected our boundaries, but not all families will act this way. Just go ahead and make your social media accounts private! I highly recommend protecting your identity until you've had a chance to get to know the biological parents in a monitored meeting. DSS should also always protect your names, emails, and address unless you give them permission to share your information.
4. Don't be afraid of bio parents. I had no idea what to expect the first time we met our baby's parents. When you have newborn placements the likelihood of meeting biological family is high and occurs rather quickly! Within a week we had multiple doctors appointments and thankfully her parents attended them all. I was so scared they would be mad at us for having her, or even try to take her back from us, but that was not at all the case. Her mother thanked me for caring for her. Her father shook Connor's hand and asked if he could hold her carseat. I honestly think they were just as scared to meet us as we were to meet them. It was an uncomfortable experience, but we made it through and continued to have a civil relationship for as long as we had her.
*Obviously, every family and situation is different. Depending on the case, you may never even meet your child's biological parents. It also takes time to build trust among families, especially under the stress of foster care.
5. Accept help from family and friends. For some reason I thought that since I didn't give birth to our baby I wasn't worthy of asking for help. In my mind I had decided to be a foster parent so I should have also been prepared and thankful for the baby placed with us. Even reading that to myself sounds crazy, but at the time it's how I felt. Y'all, adding a new person into your household is hard and is a major adjustment. Reach out to friends who have experienced that you're going through and ask for help! I can't tell you how many time my parents have come over just to rock a baby while I folded laundry or showered. We even created a routine of dropping baby off with Connor's parents on Friday nights so we could go out to eat alone and buy groceries. Lean on your friends to babysit while you attend your own appointments or just take a nap. Most people want to serve foster families, but they won't know how to unless you tell them!
6. Take advantage of special programs without guilt. This is another thing I struggled with. Connor and I are financially secure so it didn't feel honest to register for WIC or other government assistance. I had a deep conversation about this with another mom and she reminded me that while I was the one signing up for it, it wasn't for me, it was for our precious babe who most definitely qualified for it and deserved to receive extra support! These programs exist for this very reason, so if it will make your life a tiny bit easier, do it.
7. Ask questions and advocate for yourself and child. A lot of the details of your child's case are confidential and the case manager will not be able to share them with you. That doesn't mean you cannot ask questions and try to learn as much as possible about the child you're caring for. The worst thing that can happen is they tell you they're not allowed to share! I continually asked for updates on the case and potential court hearings. I learned the most information by attending family planning meetings and keeping in contact with the Guardian ad litem. Remember that case managers have many children they're keeping track of at once, so they may forget to text you back or email that form to you. It's okay to kindly keep reminding them of your needs until they are met. Patience and gratitude go a long way with DSS workers!
8. Keep Up with your training hours. In the hustle and bustle of every day newborn life on top of endless appointments and meetings, we totally forgot to attend training classes. To maintain your foster parent license you have to log 28 hours of training every two years. You can attend these classes at anytime, but it's much easier to achieve if you're attending them throughout the year instead of all at once. We schedule a training or two at the beginning of each month to stay of track and prevent our license from lapsing.
9. Grieve. This is the part of foster care that everyone talks about. I'm sure you've heard someone, maybe even yourself, say, "Oh, I could never be a foster parent. I could just never give them back. I would get too attached!" And to that I say YES. You are going to get too attached. You are going to not want to give them back. And it doesn't matter how much you prepare yourself, or know in your heart that reunification is usually what's best for your child, it's going to hurt. Without the support of my spouse, our parents, and our tight knit community of friends, I don't think I would have survived. The pain of losing Babe was excruciating and there was no way to prepare myself for it. She was our first baby, foster or otherwise, and when she moved I went from being a mother to not. That realization was almost as painful as losing my relationship with her.
Give yourself the time and space to grieve. Our baby has been gone longer than we even had her in our care, and I still cry about it. And that's okay. I've done a few things to help me process my grief, the first being taking a trip. Babe moved on a Wednesday afternoon, I took Thursday off to stay home and feel sorry for myself, and by Friday evening we were in Helen, GA for the weekend. I know everyone doesn't have the ability to pick up and take off for a few days, but if you do I highly recommend it. We were able to put our pain on the back burner for a couple of days and just enjoy each others company. No one around us knew what we were going through which was such a relief from the heaviness of it all. Something else I did was order a photo book of our time with B. I used few high quality photos from my camera and our photographer, but mostly just iphone pics we had each snapped over the weeks together. Having these tangible memories of her has been so sweet to look through, especially as time moves on and it can be hard to remember.
Lastly, I ordered a gold necklace with a charm of her name's first initial. I know that may seem silly, but it really has helped me to remember her and keep her close. It also acts as a reminder to pray for her each morning when I'm getting ready.
10. It's okay to say no. After Babe moved into kinship care, Connor and I decided to take a month before going back on the open bed list. We thought this would give us time to process and grieve and catch up on some much needed sleep. In retrospect, this was not enough time for me. Everyone processes loss differently, and I hadn't really started to unpack my feelings at this point. Your Family Support Coordinator may be asking if you're ready to go back on the list, but it's okay to say no. You're doing yourself and your future children a disservice if you are not mentally healthy and ready for them. Also, once you are on the list it's also okay to say no to placements. It's really hard, but if a child is out of your age range, in a sibling group, or has special needs you don't feel competent to care for, you should say no. It's better to be honest up front than to take in a child into your home only to be moved later on. DSS may ask you about a child knowing that they will not be a good match because it's their job to exhaust every possible home. I promise saying no doesn't bump you to the bottom of the list or prevent you from getting future calls. The on-call worker changes and they don't keep track of how many times you've been asked. In our experience, we had total peace when we said yes to Babe and knew we were meant for her!